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Stacey reached for her purse with one hand while trying to put her earrings in place with the other. Just another day preparing for work; only today she had to stop by at the bank to make a deposit.
“Are you ready yet?” she shouted to her husband. “You’re gonna be late for work, again, and I don’t think now is the time to risk your jobs. You know there are plenty of people that are-”
“I’m coming, I’m coming,” retorted Ben. “I’m just finishing my tie. Why couldn’t this dang thing be easier.”
“Oh it is so tough, well make sure not to take too long, and oh, I left your pill on the counter next to the coffee pot for when you’re ready to take it.”
“Yeah, yeah, pill, coffee pot, got it. Where’s my shoes? I know I put them somewhere around here. Bathroom, no. Hallway, no. Under the bed, no...”
“Check your closet.”
“Oh, there they are. Now where did I put my socks?”
“You’re something else, well, I’m leaving, see you tonight you knucklehead.” She grasped her Gucci purse, dazzling with diamonds, and her leather jacket as she hastily dashed out the door. Stacey didn’t know that she would in fact be seeing Ben again very shortly, and sooner than she had hoped.
A downpour broke out from what seemed to be a sunny day just fifteen minutes prior. Stacey reached back behind the seat to find her handy, collapsible umbrella. As feeling around for it, she noticed that something was missing. She must have left her birth control pills back at home. Stacey did not think much of it since she figured that they weren’t needed for simply traveling to work and the bank.
As she pulled around the corner to park, she noticed the long line extended to out of the door. A grunt was let out as stepped out of the car to go wait in line.
Fifteen minutes later, Stacey finally reached the front of the line. Just two people were ahead of her at this point.
“Will you hurry up fat lady?” she muttered at the large lady asking about PNC Bank’s services.
Out of nowhere there were some loud shrieks from the back of the line. One elderly lady shouted, “The hooligan has a weapon!” Stacey almost naturally ran to the restroom for cover. Huddled in the restroom were three ladies, on of which was crying in the corner wheezing, while Stacey and the the other woman’s curiosity drove them to look for the criminal.
“I can’t see him, were you able to see what does he looks like?” Stacey asked the lady hiding with her.
“Well, I didn’t get a great look of him, but I think he was wearing a collared shirt with a tie”
“Oh good heavens! Now who would do such a thing as to rob a bank. I must see who it is.” Stacey eased the door slowly open, and searched the room with her beady eyes. “Oh no, It couldn’t be. Ben what are you doing? What got into you? And why do you have that ridiculous hat on?” She marched to Ben with a face of disappointment and confusion.
“Don’t worry about me, just take cover from the aliens. They’re everywhere. They’re here, and then there there, and then they’re back here, and then they’re over here again, and then-”
“Ben, Ben, BEN! Are you drunk? What got into you, and put that water pistol down.”
“I’m super serial! They’re coming to eat me brains, and yous!”
“You’ve gone mad, just look at you.” Stacey stated somewhat more mellow, in order to calm him down. Everyone in the room was now staring at the two of them. One of the bank tellers picked up the wall phone to dial 911.
“Did you take your pills this morning, did you hit your head, did you take the pills with wine or something?”
“I took my pills, woman, now I’m hungry, go make me a sandwich.”
“No! I most certainly will not! Now how many pills did you take? Please say just two.”
“Uh... Three, maybe four, or possibly five, maybe-”
“What!? Tell me you’re lying, and are you sure they were the ones next to the coffee pot?”
“Oh no silly!” Stacey’s eyes and mouth dropped. “I found these shiny big blue pills that almost looked like blueberries! But they didn’t taste like blueberries but more like-”
“You idiot! You took my birth control pills.” Stacey jumped right in front of Ben’s face. They stared at one another until Ben broke the silence.
“Ooh look an ambulance! WEE-OOH, WEE-OOH, WEE-OOH!”
“You’re worse than I thought you were.” Stacey ran to Ben and pulled him down to a chair.
“What was that for, you meanie” At that moment Ben started to bob his head up and down slowly and repeatedly until he vomited all over top of Stacey and her new dress.
Stacey simply looked down at the mess, and muttered “What a wonderful world I live in.”
This book does not make much sense. It was funny and entertaining. But parts of it I had to stop and think, "What?!" It also lacks description of senses other than sight. Give a little bit of detail to what they feel as opposed to only dialogue. However, it was entertaining and had a good premise.
ReplyDeleteum...wow....yeah
ReplyDeleteSo there are two main character Ben, who is clumsy and Stacy, who is on birth pills. She goes to the bank to deposit money unlike the other days and one of the customer shouts th at there is a robber. She quickly runs over to see him and fin out that he is Ben, who has taken birth pills instead of his pills that he was suppose to eat.
The structure was very good, I think there should not be any changes to it. The style is very attractive and funny, I think it grab's the reader's attention. However, there are many grammatical errors. For example, the line where you describe Stacy's umbrella, you state, "handy, collapsible umbrella." I'm sorry but I do not know any uncollapsible umbrella. Like in the packet Mr.Juliani gave to us, you should not use extra words that are already in the context. You do not say young children beacuse children are already young. Also
"Stacey almost naturally ran to the restroom for cover. Huddled in the restroom were three ladies, on of which was crying in the corner wheezing, while Stacey and the the other woman’s curiosity drove them to look for the criminal."
It sounds like Stacy did not go to the restroom is you use "almost" so reword the first sentence.
And something nice to say..um.......your posts are very.........interesting? haha. Your short story was very good!
Summmary:
ReplyDeleteStacey is a classy woman with a husband who's not quite up to par. One day, while at the bank, Stacey sees her husband come in as a fake robber with a water gun and starts acting crazy. Turns out that he took her birth control pills that morning instead of her own.
There are no issues with structure, so you don't need to make any changes there.
You might want to add some of Stacey or Ben's personal thoughts to add to the depth of the story.
I felt like the story started out being realistic, but took a weird turn when Ben came in crazy at the bank. It's a good twist, but still weird...
Good story overall, it grabbed my attention.
A. This woman named stacey is trying to her her husband Ben to hurry up in the morning. As she rushed out the door she reminded him to take his pills. She went to the bank, someone tried to 'rob it, it was Ben. He accidentally took about 5 birth control pills and was realllyy messed up.
ReplyDeleteb. Nice structure!
c. I don't really know of any 'style changes' you had but... I've gotta say you write from a really childish perspective. Its pretty entertaining.
d. There were also not really any conventional changes, i dont think. AS i already said. You wrote in a consistently childish tone.
Overall , I liked your story. It was pretty entertaining. Really fun to read.
XD
Summary:
ReplyDeleteIt starts when Stacey was in a rush out of the door and she told her husband some simple instuctions in the morning. The lady goes to the bank having to wait in a very long line. When she is almost at the counter, she hears screams that there is a robber, but it ends up being her husband.
It has a nice structure and shows and a great use of dialogue. You probably could make a little more suspense about who the robber is. There were just a couple grammatical errors, but there were no major ones.
This is a very entertaining story and was enjoyable to read.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteA woman named Stacy, and her husband, Ben, are getting ready to leave for different places. She reminds him to take his pills, and then goes to the bank. A burglary occurs at the bank, and the fake burglar turns out to be Ben, who accidentally took Stacey's birth control pills.
ReplyDeleteThe structure was good, it had a clear beginning/middle/end. It flowed well together too. However, in the beginning, I don't think you really need to add that she would be seeing her husband again soon; it'll make the incident at the bank more surprising for the reader. For style, I liked the descriptive language and dialogue, showing what the characters are doing, and what they are like. I don't think there were any conventional errors. The whole story was very interesting, I liked how there was a twist to the plot and ending.